our wicked little fascinations

Finally got to see my therapist again after several months!! It was such a relief aaa

um I’ve had a bunch of people follow me since the last time I did one of these, so in summary: I am dealing with anxiety and depression stuff and recently started seeing a therapist, and I blog about it because it’s personally really helpful for me (and, as a bonus, several people have told me it’s helpful for them too.. I’m really glad ;; ) um but if you don’t want to see these posts, they’re tagged as #FEAiT

So as promised, I brought up my phone issues to her! She says it sounds like an outright phobia, which.. I… guess shouldn’t surprise me considering I get really upset and have thrown up before just at the thought of calling people, even though nothing bad has ever come of me calling someone or being called…………. yeah that does kind of sound like a phobia doesn’t it!! it’s not ALWAYS that bad though, but I do get really stressed no matter what

And also unsurprisingly, her advice is EXPOSURE THERAPY. So I have to get people to call me randomly, and I gotta just answer automatically. e-erk. But as terrified as I was before that she’d suggest exactly this, I’m actually really relieved now. IT’S STILL KIND OF STRESSFUL TO THINK ABOUT but it’s also like.. ok I HAVE ASKED FOR HELP, I AM GONNA GET HELP, I WILL WORK MY WAY THROUGH THIS BIT BY BIT and at the very least my therapist won’t judge me if I’m not good at it right away, so I shouldn’t judge myself too hard either

a-aaa

it helps and also amuses me to think of this shit like my life is a videogame, and I’m at level.. 10 or something, and the boss is level 40 but even though it’s really scary, I can do a lot of level grinding before I have to face it!! and I can start with super weak low level shit and work my way up level by level until I’m ready to fucking destroy everything

it’s an incredibly geeky metaphor but I like it ok